I wish I could claim credit for this. Hell, I don't know who to give the credit to, except for whoever put a copy of it in the break room at work last week. Anyway, I'd thought I'd share it.
Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Rockford, Illinois market:
This princess Barbie is sold only at Cherryvale Mall. She comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Princess and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
“West side Barbie”
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbuck’s cup, credit card and country club membership. She is a “fund raiser queen.” Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
“Machesney Park Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her Chevy pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
“South Beloit Barbie”
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Bowling Green Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top and multiple tattoos. Also available with a mobile home.
“River District Barbie”
This doll is made of actual tofu! She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Downtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
“Loves Park Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
“Seventh Street Barbie/Ken”
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.